When we last met in January of 2014 I was going to change my home life. I was Mission Organization meets eHarmony for Life...I think I was high on a wave of sleep deprivation. I desperately wanted to exist in a happy, clean and organized space so that I could better enjoy my life. It was a New Year and by God, I was RESOLVED. It lasted one month.
It's another New Year and a clean slate and all, right? Wrong. My slate is so full and dirty and I know that if my calendar was actually written on paper, in ink, it would look like a Bic pen lost it's crap all over it. Harsh reality....I am not here to complain or to dash someone's dreams, or my own, for that matter. But, it's time we all started getting real and telling the truth about life. What I WANT my reality to look like and what it ACTUALLY looks like are two totally different things. Trying to achieve my want is pretty much driving me insane and the " I can do it" voice that is the driving force of my personality, is fighting like hell to keep the dream alive.
Nothing elevates the desire for peace and harmony more than the holiday season...we want a picture perfect season full of family, food and friends in a gorgeously decorated setting with carols softly playing in the background. What I got this Christmas....a spasmodically twitching left eye...the more things went to hell, the crazier it went...I baked, I shopped, I wrapped, I cleaned, I shuttled to and from the airport, I maintained our normal schedule, I attended, I hosted and my eye pulsated to the sounds of Jingle Bells. This is what I have been reduced to. I wanted a perfect holiday, I wanted to LOVE Christmas, I wanted to have FUN. It was miserable, stressful and EXHAUSTING. No matter how much I did, no matter how late I stayed up, no matter how much planning ahead I did, it wasn't enough. I felt like a total failure. We are told we can do it, we BELIEVE we can do it, we kill ourselves and our spirit in the attempt to do it....ALL YEAR LONG.
I really want to be the woman who shows up at preschool drop off looking amazing...I Just Know her house is spotlessly beautiful and her ironing is done and she feeds her soul daily, she works out and has a husband who feels adored....I however, look like a zombie until pick up and sometimes after....I am the owner and wearer of about a million pairs of yoga pants and my kitchen floor needs to be mopped and my children have literally overtaken my life. I am that wild eyed woman with her grocery cart tossing what I think I need in, iPhone open to the calendar trying to calculate how I can physically be four places at one time, begging her toddler to please, for the love of all things holy, to PLEASE, sit down. I am crazy and sad and happy all at the same time and yes, it does sound like I have multiple personality disorder....I don't. I am trying to be all things to all people, all while trying to maintain some sense of myself, because I'm supposed to be able to....
We have stopped going to church, not because we don't love Jesus, but because I literally CANNOT spend another morning of the week trying to have it all together and everyone out the door by 9 am...I am on absolute overload. Many of you who will say simplify, prioritize, volunteer less, drop an activity or two or four...things I have read, heard and been told...all those things sound like such sage and wise advice. But I can't be the mom who tells my competitive gymnast son, "sorry, you may be talented and have big dreams but your 12 hours a week just can't happen..." Or say to my freshman daughter, who has already been stressed to death by the education system, that she must do and be more so she can get into college, that " I really just can't take you to practice, attend an event, or help you serve your community so you have a shot at the college you have your eye on...so sorry." I won't tell my two preschoolers that the headache of getting them loaded up and ready to experience life is just "too much". Oh and let's not forget that rarely seen and much loved husband..."sorry love, date night is just not on the schedule."
How am I supposed to have it all together?? How is my house supposed to be an oasis, myself toned and dressed like a mommy super model, have beautifully mannered, groomed and on the right track kids, a marriage that is happy and on solid ground, "find myself " so that I have a life after my nest is empty and maintain a shred of sanity? I have no earthly idea and the attempt is killing me. I want a drink ( or two), a clone and vacation that involves me doing absolutely NOTHING...not necessarily in that order. This is REAL LIFE in America today and anyone who says otherwise is lying through their teeth, heavily medicated, doing drugs or perhaps all of the above.
Let's all try and give ourselves a tiny break in the New Year, so that we don't have a breakdown. I won't judge if you haven't showered in three days or if you admit, just this one time, that you did the happy dance when practice got rained out yesterday, if you won't judge me either. This life is hard, be kind.
